I’m ten minutes away from legwarmers

Ok: I hate being pregnant. I know there are some women who get all ecstatic and rejuvenated and glowy, but that’s not me. I’m not glowy. I’m ashen and sullen and there’s a permanent crease between my eyebrows. I hate being sick, that’s for sure, but that ends (as it has, thank you), and I still hate it. I do sort of like the ultrasounds, but honestly that’s just a science geek thing and I would be just as satisfied watching that NOVA special about pregnancy. It’s the lumpiness, the frumpiness, and the clothes, really, that I hate. As soon as I get pregnant I not only get the belly, but also sprout some love handles and generally give off a Bosc vibe. No good. And these clothes — can someone please make maternity pants that don’t fall down? I think I need maternity suspenders.

It’s really just that it’s impossible to look hip and sexy when you’re pregnant. (Or, at least, when I’m pregnant.) Any attempts at hipness somehow just up the schlub factor. There’s no getting around it: me pregnant = schlubby. And it’s just depressing. I know I’ve got at least another year of wearing someone else’s body. I’m trying to make the best of it, but I just want it to be May already (or May 2011). This time I didn’t even move my regular clothes out of the closet; I just shoved the stupid maternity stuff into a big pile in the closet and I just grab whatever’s on top.

Lately I’ve been trying to distract from the schlub factor and burgeoning midsection by clever accessorizing. I’m wearing very large necklaces, for instance. And capris with striped socks. I’ve starting wearing patchouli again; maybe someone will become so distracted by the scent of dirt and pine essence that they won’t notice I’m pregnant. The other day I wore (really) a paisley headscarf that (with the striped socks) made me look like Rhoda Morgenstern on crack, but I think it may have been sufficiently distracting.

When this is all over I’m buying matching lingerie and burning the maternity crap in a bonfire.

Comments (19)

  1. Anne November 24, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Well … leggings are back in style. Those might not fall down. Or would they?

  2. Julie November 24, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I don’t know. They might not fall down, but something tells me maternity leggings is a bad idea. Then it’s all sausage legs and pear body, and suddenly I’m my own Regrettable Food platter.

  3. emily November 24, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Overalls, baby. Because if you’re already going to striped socks etc., then f**k it, you know? overalls with rolled hems and good boots. I saw a pregnant asian lady in the neighborhood the other day and she was so fab I wished i was pregnant to get to wear it. now, I know, I know, asian lady in nyc is not you, feeling particularly unasian in shape. but I totally think it would work. and they don’t fall down.

    They were old denim, by the way. and she had a tank top underneath and a cardigan fisherman sweater on top. and some sort of silk scarf. fab, I’m telling you. they might have been doc martins, the boots. not sure.

  4. Julie November 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Oh dearie me, no. Not to be all negative, but overalls, which may be cute from the front, do horribly unfortunate things to your backside, whether you are pregnant or not. It’s those giant pockets.

  5. sarah November 24, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    There’s a gal in my office who is pregnant and she has a cute thing going on – thermal T, scarf around neck, knee-length denim skirt (it kind of bells out around the knee) and boots – like UGGS or some other stomper kind of boot. She wears this practically every day & it looks so cute and comfy. Does this inspire you at all?

  6. Corinne November 24, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Double no on the overalls!
    I loved my “Belly Band” by Ripe. I could wear it over my regular pants then over the top of my yoga pants when i had to de-string them. I wore those all pregnancy. Then kept my belly in a little right after babe was born when my regular pants still didn’t fit. [i don’t sell them, i just loved them]
    I go for flared cropped [or reg] yoga pants all the way- especially if they are “lululemon” do you have that out there? It’s west coast canadian co.
    My friend looked awesome in her custom made white ELvis pant suit [for a marathon in LV] but she is the size of an actual barbie.

  7. Julie November 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Corinne, I got one of those belly band things a few weeks ago, and it did do a good job of keeping my pants up. But it has gone missing. A shapeless swath of black fabric has no hope of being found. I keep hoping it’s in the wash.

    Sarah, that is kind of inspiring. I have one (generic, stretchy brown) skirt, but might have to try to find another skirt of some kind. Or maybe a dress, when I get a little pregnanter, since that can’t fall off.

  8. Clog November 24, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Hello??? I just saw you and you looked very stylish and cute in the outfit you had on and you have never looked schlubby.

  9. Elizabeth November 24, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    I say: Let your freak flag fly. This is your last pregnancy, presumably. So…why not?

    Pull out the legwarmers! The striped thigh-high stockings! The granny shawls! The suede fringed vest! The mini-skirts! The old purple DMs from college! I mean, you live in Portland, Maine. Not Annapolis. You can get away with it!

    And sadly, the vertical crease between MY eyebrows has nothing to do with being pregnant. {sigh}

  10. Julie November 25, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Thanks, Mom, but I think you were just distracted by the giant necklace and the stripey socks.

    And Elizabeth, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m definitely going for the crazy factor. (And GOOD LORD YES this is my last pregnancy. We made sure of that.)

  11. Sloppy Neighbor November 25, 2009 at 8:59 am

    I respectfully request a photo of the maternity suspenders when you finally succumb. I also less daintily and with a dash of mania request a high res scan of the letter to Santa (Pick Axe???!!! should schlemozzle neighbors be worried???) — edges and all since I’m guessing that is one I’m unlikely to find in my rummagings of your recycle bin. It did, after all, make it to the blog, but I digress into violating comment-category appropriateness.

    FYI I smelled patchouli the other day on some crisp, striped-shirted business attirey seemingly male person the other day and genuinely had my assumptions challenged as I turned around to follow my nose. I enjoyed it (the assumption deconstruction; on patchouli I guess I am neutral).

    Your Rhoda Morgenstern-on-crack comment threw me into paroxysms of out loud laughter, though it was her truly schlemiel of a sister (in her pre-Marge Simpson days) with whom I identified on matters sartorial.

    Keep ’em coming!

    (and for anyone fuzzy on the distinction between schlemiel and schlemozzle, see:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLsukIsrcMI )

  12. sarah November 25, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    I think it’s all about the scarf & the boots, whatever comes between will look OK.

  13. sutswana November 25, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Ditto Clog’s comment, negative to your response to her (we are not distracted by accessories: you generally truly do always look fantastic and lately is no exception), and ditto on Adr I mean Sloppy Neighbor’s request for photo w/suspenders.

  14. Beth December 1, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    V-neck tops (if it’s not too cold) and the big necklaces. Accentuate the positive, I always say. My friend Veronique wore beautiful scarves around her belly when she was pregnant, which looked really cool, but she’s French so I don’t know if it counts. (They always look good! And they know how to work a scarf, man.)

    I hated being pregnant too, with the exception of a few great moments. But just think–this is the LAST time you’ll ever have to do it.

  15. Beth December 1, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    PS Just found this online.


    You could get that one black dress (or one like it) and wear the crap out of it for the next 9 months. 🙂

  16. Julie December 1, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    This is the third time I’ve thought “This is the last time I’ll ever have to be pregnant.” Though this time it really is. I have such a distinct memory of being in labor with Eli, walking in to the hospital, and 85% of my thoughts were, “I’m so glad I never have to wear this stupid giant coat again.” (And I’ve mostly avoided it with big sweaters and lots of scarves, though this is Maine, so I have had to resort to the stupid giant coat at times.)

    I have taken the advice of Sarah’s anonymous coworker and ordered a denim skirt and some cute tops, and am currently bidding on some funky furry green boots on eBay.

    And if only I could aspire to have the scarfiness of a French woman, ever, not only when pregnant.

  17. Julie December 1, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    I have actually thought of going the black dress route, but haven’t found one that looked perfect. I think websites that call themselves “Sexy Belly Maternity” are the equivalent of “Baby Einstein.” Yeah, your kid’s not any smarter, and you’re not really actually sexy…
    The (missing) Belly Band thing I got came with a magnet that says, “Yes, you look beautiful” that I keep getting rid of but the kids keep sticking back on the fridge. Every time I walk by it I think, “Shut up.”

  18. Beth December 1, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    LOL. I know what you mean. The only pregnancy belly that ever looked sexy, in my opinion, was Jennifer Anniston’s on Friends–and it was a fake! Of course she looked sexy.

    “Yes, you look beautiful” cracks me up. I can only imagine someone saying it in a Nellie Olson voice.

  19. Julie December 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Ok, now I’m happy to leave it on the fridge. Totally cracking up thinking of Nellie Olson saying it.

    Oh, yeah, those fake pregnancy bellies are adorable. It’s easy to look sexy when you can take it off at the end of the day and sleep normally, also.

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