Snappsy the Alligator (Did Not Ask to Be in This Holiday Gift Guide)
Right about now you’re probably thinking, “I should start shopping for the holidays.” You’re probably also thinking, “If only there was a helpful narrator who could tell me what to buy.” Today is your lucky day! I will tell you all the things I am getting for my best friend forever, Snappsy. They are all the most excellent gifts in the whole wide world. After I post my list, I will go make a vanilla smoothie while Snappsy makes his list of what he’s giving me. I’m sure he’s getting me a sports car or a helicopter.
- We all know that Snappsy the Alligator is completely obsessed with food that starts with the letter P, so I’m getting him some popcorn from Coastal Maine Popcorn. I can’t decide which flavor to get: Peppermint Bark, Pumpkin Donut, Parmesan Garlic, or Pucker Patch.
2. Snappsy loves wearing a tie! And every day he wears that same red tie. I’m sure he’s been wishing I’d get him a new one. I’m going to do even better and sign him up for The Tie Bar’s Tie of the Month Club. They even have an option for extra-long ties, which my best friend Snappsy probably needs, since he’s a very tall alligator.
3. I have just learned that there is a Pickle of the Month club. Snappsy would love that. Perhaps I should make all of my gifts to him monthly subscription boxes. That would be an excellent way to get him to remember me all the time, even if I’m not around. Although I just checked my calendar, and I am always around. Everyone loves mail, though, whether the person who sent them the mail is far off or is standing right next to you.
4. Snappsy really should throw more parties. Weekly parties. This book has party planning ideas for a variety of delightfully themed parties, and I don’t know who Soleil Moon Frye is, but our author Julie Falatko assures me that Ms. Frye is reputable and influential and, in Julie’s words “very important.”
5. Snappsy and I love having sleepover parties. It’s really our favorite thing. We both love it. Yes, I’m sure. Do we need matching sleeping bags? Of course we do. I’m going to buy two of these sleeping bags, because they are quite handsome and also because they are called “The Great Indoors Sleeping Bag” and that slyly references another book our author Julie has coming in 2019.
Now I will reluctantly leave the room to give my very best friend, Snappsy, a chance to make his list.
Uh, hello. What’s happening here? Bert told me not to look at the top of this post. That’s not going to help me figure out what to do. I was reading my book and enjoying a sandwich and suddenly Bert said something about buying him a helicopter.
He’s yelling to me from the other room now. Oh. Okay. I get it. A gift guide. He probably just wants to know what I’m going to get him, but sure, I’ll make a gift guide. Here we go.
- This Walden shirt is nice. Maybe it will remind Bert that sometimes people like building their own cabin and spending time alone there.
2. Bert likes splashing around in the little pool outside my house. I think he’ll like these water wings. I like how wearing inflatable alligators while outside a real alligator’s house is some sort of metaswimming.
3. Wow, Bert will love this friendship bracelet making kit so much. And I bet it will keep him busy so I can finally finish my book in peace.
4. I have finally convinced Bert that smoothies are great. Though when he makes a smoothie, it’s really more of a milkshake. He always says he’s going to make a smoothie for breakfast, but then he fills the blender with ice cream. Whichever we’re having, he’s going to love these matching best friends tumblers.
5. I thought a lot about the last thing to get Bert. I thought about a 1000-piece puzzle to keep him occupied. I thought about getting us matching Privacy Pods. I thought about getting him The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone. But it’s been nice having him around, honestly. Sure, I have to wake up an hour earlier than I used to so I can eat breakfast in peace, and I signed him up for fourteen classes every week so he has somewhere to go. But I’ve decided to get us matching three-string guitars. There’s a big one for me, and a small one for Bert. We can learn to play duets. And then, when we have parties, we can do a song or two.
Bert just hollered to me from the kitchen. He wants me to tell you that this is the best gift guide in the history of gift guides. And he wants me to tell you that if there’s someone in your life who might like two funny picture books that could be described as “a truly laugh-out-loud, mischievous romp” or “funny as hell and a tender kind of sad, both at the same time” that are about “Another same-sex odd couple, joining the likes of Frog and Toad, to explore nuances of character and friendship” then perhaps they would like the two picture books about us.