Yes, well, there’s something I have to tell you

November 3, 2009

There’s this:

Which, you know, means this:

(Couldn’t resist throwing in another image from the Charley Harper biology book.)

Which, you know, means, um, WHAT!? Or, at least, that was my first reaction. Which was quickly followed by, “Oh you have got to be kidding me.” Then my reaction was to fall to the ground for a while. Then Dave and I burst out laughing, and said the word “Crazy!” about 700 times. Because, I mean, COME ON. I swear all Dave did was sneeze in the same room where I was. People, this is the second time we’ve nailed it before I got my period after having a baby. What are the odds of that? Well, fairly high, apparently, at least for us. We joke that I’m like one of those baboons whose butt gets all red and she does a little dance waving her posterior around when she ovulates. I have no other explanation. But I haven’t had my period since April of 2005, which makes for some amusing conversations when I call the midwives and they ask when my last period was, to try to determine how far along I am, and then are flummoxed when the little Wheel O’ Birth Dates says I’m 220 weeks pregnant. But at least I’m funding my kids’ college educations with money saved from not buying tampons.

So my first 80 thoughts were “Crazy!” and my next 80 thoughts were “Oh, crap!” and my 150th thought was “Well, at least I’ll get to give birth in that fancy new birthing center.” And there was also the overwhelming thought that I’ve never believed more in some kind of divine force that has a plan for my life, or at least in the idea that Jeffrey Eugenides puts forth in Middlesex that the children are these sort of floaty beings out in the ether, and when it’s time for them to be born, they wave goodbye to the others and say, “See you later!” and go floating down the chute into consciousness. Because I feel like the kids were there at our wedding in some ways, you know? So I guess there was one more little floaty being up there waiting to be born.

And then after I found out, I had to mourn for about a week, because, as you know, I was just getting my life in order here! Ugh. (Although this is a very good explanation for why all those crunches weren’t doing a blessed thing.) And then, finally, I started to get excited about it. I think four is actually going to be even better than three. With four kids, no one is left out. And there’s a nice balance. And we already have the minivan, and we’re finishing off the attic to be a giant kids’ room anyway, so why not add one more? Though I do have to say that, as an only child, this is taking a lot of deep breathing to get my mind around. I do love the big pile of kids though, and four is a better pile than three. Plus they can, I don’t know, have their own bridge tournament or something. Or play two-on-two basketball.

Right now I am 11 weeks pregnant. Right after that pregnancy test turned positive, I suddenly had the feeling that there was a giant piano dangling over my head, ready to drop. “Dave!” I said, with urgency, “We’ve got like two weeks before I’m so sick that I’m completely useless!” I ran around buying snacks and food and anything I could think of before that piano dropped. And let me just say that this time, it’s been like six pianos. Brutal. I am a mess. I seriously feel decent for maybe ten minutes a day. The rest of the time I’m either throwing up or feeling like I’m about to. And while throwing up is bad enough, it’s a whole other nightmare scenario when you have kids outside the door yelling, “I’m telling!” or “MOMMY! WHERE ARE YOU?” or Zuzu is insisting on crawling into my lap, and then, when I refuse that, she starts throwing things into the toilet. Can you think of anything worse than your toddler throwing tubes of toothpaste into the toilet when you’re throwing up? Isn’t that Dante’s Sixth Level of Hell?

Also I am so tired that I’ve had to take three naps while trying to write this post.

And so you’ll have to forgive me if World of Julie doesn’t get updated quite as frequently as it has been.

P.S. At our first midwife appointment last week, I got to learn the hilarious technical jargon they wrote in my (now one-inch-thick) file to describe Zuzu’s birth: “Precipitous spontaneous birth in shower. Mother carried baby to bed to birth placenta.”

P.P.S. Also, does anyone have any spare maternity clothes?

(44)

44 Responses to “Yes, well, there’s something I have to tell you”

  1. liz says:

    CONGRATULATIONS, julie! that is such exciting news! i bet you know what i’m most excited about, right? what absolutely amazing, perfect name you’re going to choose for baby #4!

  2. Clog says:

    Why does Liz’s excitement of the naming elicit fear in me…..how do you think I got this unlikely nickname everyone??? No, actually, all your children are very aptly named and I look forward (with slight trepidation) to the naming of #4.

  3. Julie says:

    Mom, why do you view our kids’ names as some kind of personal affront to you??? If you want I will not discuss names with you at all until it’s all said and done, and then you won’t have to get all worked up over possible choices. And, admit it, you’d rather be Clog than Granny, right?

    As per usual, our placeholder name will be Phillippa, since that would be ridiculous with our last name.

  4. Clog says:

    I like Phillippa! And I don’t take it as a personal affront….I look at it strictly from the kid’s point of view. A woman in my yoga class has grandchildren named Toulouse and Kahlo and I love them. And I want you to discuss the names with me….it is part of the fun.

  5. Julie says:

    I like Phillippa, but say it with our last name. It’s ridiculous.

    LOVE Toulouse and Kahlo! That’s great. There was a graphic designer named Tibor Kalman (Maira Kalman’s husband) who gave his kids the names (middle names?) Helvetica and Bodoni.

  6. liz says:

    zoe and isaac often go by “helvetica” and “garamond.” they think fonts make the best names (especially when pronounced in a faux-british accent).

  7. Patrick says:

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
    we had a lot of fun with the name questions. I told people that if we had two boys, their names would be Rod & Todd, two girls would be Patty and Selma, and of course, one of each would be Luke and Leia.

  8. Chris says:

    Congrats to you and Dave!
    Personally, I love Phillippa Falatko – you just need to make sure Phillippa grows up to be the Phillippa Falatko: Gnip Gnop Champion.
    And, at what point are you going to hold on to you maternity clothes? It just makes sense.

  9. Elizabeth says:

    Wow! Well, that’s not the post I was expecting to read this morning! Congratulations! Geez, you are fertile!

    Did I tell you that we’re planning a little East Coast tour next summer? One that will include Maine? I guess that means you’ll probably be home in July/August and we will get to meet ALL FOUR of your kids for the first time! Yahoo!

  10. Elizabeth says:

    Oh, and don’t worry: we won’t ask to stay with you! :)

  11. Clog says:

    Patrick – I actually know brothers Tad and Todd.

  12. Julie says:

    Liz, I love your kids.

    Patrick, remember those twins at Tenafly named Julie and Jolie? That was super confusing. And I may actually steal one of your names if we’re having a girl (and hoping you remember an email from a year ago saying, “Oh! That was our number 2 choice for Zuzu’s name!” so you realize it’s not ACTUALLY stealing).

    If we’re having a boy, he’ll probably be 19 before we figure out a name.

    Hurray, Elizabeth! Oh my gosh, I’m so excited you’re coming this way! I’ll get my “Why You Should Move to Maine” PowerPoint presentation polished and ready to go. You can always stay in our pop-up camper!! And, actually, once we get the attic done, we might even have a regular real guest room. Or, you know, a pop-up, at least.

  13. Anne says:

    Julie, I have a TON of maternity clothes. Seriously! Email me and we can go over what you need/want.

  14. Robyn says:

    Thank you for having these kids. The world needs your kids. Don’t think for a minute I’m joking. Love you. Sending anti-tummy-turbulence.

  15. Oh, congratulations! Surprise babies are the best, that’s what my daughter was. :-) I hope the sickness abates or at least it bearable soon. Zuzu, stop throwing toothpaste in the toilet, please!

  16. Julie says:

    Bethany, I don’t know any other kind of baby. Surprise babies are all we have!

    Zuzu has temporarily quit throwing toothpaste into the toilet, and has switched to trying to close the lid on my head.

    Robyn, I love you!

  17. Deb Evans says:

    Congratulations Julie! So wonderful!

  18. Andrea says:

    Congratulations! And everyone needs to stop with the twin names talk….You must be freaking Julie out – imagine 5!

  19. Julie says:

    Dave and I did joke about it being twins, because I’ve been SO sick, but that would really be the universe’s biggest joke ever, since there are no twins in either of our families. I’ve got an ultrasound next week so we can put an end to that little horrid thought train once and for all.

  20. Kate says:

    What happy news! I have to say that I thought I was completely done at three (Sweet Baby James is a real delight, by the way) but you make a great argument about having four kids…

  21. emily says:

    Garamond, Helvetica, come HERE and give kisses to your mummy! Oh, delightful, delightful news. may you have only 1: zapf dingbats phillippa falatko.

  22. Julie says:

    I would totally go for Zapf if it wouldn’t be too many Zs with Zuzu.

  23. Jessica says:

    Congratulations! You’re a great mom, that’s why the kids keep choosing you!

  24. Jen Horst says:

    Congratulations Julie!!

  25. Christina says:

    Congrats- can’t wait to see if it’s a boy or girl!!

  26. Julie says:

    Christina, mark down December 29 as Gender Findout Day!

  27. Christina says:

    I am putting it on the calculator- I don’t have any premonition on this one- so it will be a fun surprise!

  28. Christina says:

    haha- i meant calender- not calculator!

  29. Julie says:

    Ha, Christina, I thought maybe you had some kind of new Smart Calculator that had a calendar and also played music or something.

  30. mary grace says:

    Serendipity is a nice name. Boy or girl, happy accidents make up for a lot of the world’s mistakes.

  31. sarah says:

    What about Futura Falatko?
    I think that sounds like a great girl-heroine.
    Because it’s a girl :)

  32. Lisa van Oosterum says:

    I once knew a Falco. Falco Falatko. It is totally a boy.

  33. Elizabeth says:

    My cousin just named her baby “Moxie”. How about “Moxie Falatko”?

  34. Julie says:

    Moxie would totally work if Moxie didn’t taste like crap. Somehow it wouldn’t make sense to name my kid after a soda that tasted awful. Though it would be fun during the Moxie Festival every year. We had a bumper sticker on the old Vanagon that said “Moxie Makes Mainers Mighty.”

  35. emily says:

    Moxie Falatko! I LOVE this. however. it doesn’t go with Henry, Eli, Zuzanna. To tell you the truth, what you’re up for is a ruth. if anyone can glamorize ruth it’s you. but I don’t think I’m voting for it. can we go with the o sound though? roxie falatko? Molly falatko? Doctor and Tracktor Falatko?

  36. Julie says:

    Ruth Falatko = impossible to say (it’s like the time my mom suggested Lionel and I pointed out that he’d sound drunk all the time. Lionel Falatko? No.)

    One of Eli’s best pals is Roxie, so Roxie Falatko would be out-and-out stealing. And confusing.

  37. Annette says:

    Congratulations! Be well Julie!

  38. Dakusaso says:

    Wow! Mazeltov! I agree with Robyn above: the world needs your kids and boy is this child lucky to have landed with such a nurturing family. Many blessings to all! Oh, and I love moxie, too, though less the soda meaning and more the hutzpah meaning.

  39. Elizabeth says:

    I was thinking “chutzpah”, too. In fact, I didn’t even know about the soda. Where have I been?

    But, I have a new one for you – Satya, the Sanskrit word for “truth”:

    Satya Falatko,,,what do you think?

  40. Julie says:

    Hey, I kind of like Satya! And I do like Moxie with the chutzpah meaning, but Maine is home of Moxie soda, which is this crazy “medicinal” soda that, as my friend Ian said, tastes like “all the sodas, with a bubblegum chaser.” There’s a Moxie festival every year. Would Mainers think more of chutzpah or of soda? And would everyone just think we got the idea from Penn Gillette, who named his daughter Moxie Crimefighter?

  41. emily says:

    He DID? Well. I feel scooped. I thought the kenning-as-name was ours, as in our cat’s full name: Hen3ry Floorbeast Deathdealer the IIIrd. The 3 is silent.

    This will be funnier to those of you who have met Hen3ry. He is fluffy and pacifist in the extreme.

  42. Jenn says:

    I don’t even know you (a friend who knew I’d appreciate this passed it on)- but I died laughing reading this – I’m in the exact same boat – but it’s #5 – and it’s like you read my mind!! What a surprise. 4 was a surprise for us – and he’s an angel – so I’m sure your 4th will be too. Good luck – now you’ll always have a little entourage.

  43. Julie says:

    Oh, now I don’t feel so bad, Jenn! I already feel like I have an entourage with three, so I’m sure four is even more so.

    What kind of car do you drive (you know, the important questions!). We have a minivan but aren’t going to be able to fit the four kids into our ancient SUV. We’re going to wait for it to die to buy something else, but do you have to buy two minivans? Is that insane? Or do you have the one minivan and one tiny little sporty fuel efficient thing?

  44. Beth says:

    Julie, I think you’re so right about 4. It’s going to be a good number for you guys.

    I still like Zosia, but it’s probably too confusing with Zuzu.

    Drink ginger tea for the morning sickness…it works!

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